All Articles in the Category ‘Parenting’

Empathy And Compassion For Transgender and Gender Non-conforming Children and Teens

gender-bathroomI saw this bathroom sign in my sons’ school a week ago. Talk about inclusion. I’m not only pleased that my boys are being exposed to open inclusion, I’m delighted they are getting the message that they can be whoever they are at home and at school. NO question in my mind the data proves if a child, teen or adult has questions about their gender their life is at risk for being harder. This is manifest in the high rates of anxiety and depression, bullying and ridicule, and feelings of isolation in those who are gender non-conforming and transgender. This is only estimated to be about 1% of the population (numbers are imprecise as many people hide this challenge) but how we all support those who question their gender matters for us all, the 99% of us who don’t have this challenge.

We must have compassion and empathy for children and teens who are transgender and gender non-conforming. We must accept children and teens and their families, and we can connect children and families who struggle with resources (below).

Children Are Born With Gender, Parenting Has Little To Do With It

  • Research shows that gender is established at birth. That means children are often born knowing if they are a boy or a girl irregardless of their sex (the chromosomes/genes that determine their body’s appearance and sexual characteristics). Sometimes children know this early, sometimes later in life.
  • Research shows that there is no evidence that parenting is responsible for a child having a different gender than their sex. Meaning — parents don’t have control, with their actions, over their child’s gender. They can’t change a child’s gender.
  • Research shows that children are less likely to end their life when they have challenges with their gender identity if they are accepted by their families. This means children who grow up in homes who accept them are less likely to suffer. Maybe a no-duh, but it’s something all parents should know.

This is complicated stuff, of course, and isn’t the same for all children and teens. Some children question their gender early in life (as early as preschool years) and will traverse childhood knowing they are transgender while other teens may find out at the onset of puberty that something isn’t quite right. Some children or teens just don’t identify with one gender or another (gender non-conforming). When they question this, we want to make sure they get what they need.

The most important message is that we must be open to what children express, connect children, teens and families with resources they need, and be aware of the risks for suffering in children who question their gender. Thankfully, there are lots of people to help and resources. Seattle Children’s Hospital now offers a specific clinic to support transgender and gender non-conforming children and teens (age 8-21 years). Experts and staff provide support for puberty blocking (stopping onset of pubertal development) or hormone therapy (hormones to have body characteristics match gender). They can also support conversations and planning for those who want to transition.

Statistics & Risks For Transgender Children And Teens

  • Transgender population is hard to define, probably less than 1% of adolescents
  • All gender non-conforming are at increased risk for bullying, anxiety, depression & suicide
  • 71% of transgender people said they hid their gender or gender transition to try to avoid discrimination

2014 Williams Institute Study On Transgender Issues:

  • 41% of transgender people attempt suicide
  • 57% report family choosing to not speak to them
  • Nearly 55% report being bullied and harassed
  • Nearly 70% experienced homelessness

What Communities & Parents Can Do & Teach:

  • If your teen has identified as a different gender since early childhood, it’s unlikely he or she will change their mind. Parenting won’t change this. Work on changing expectations, not your child.
  • When your child discloses his or her identity to you, respond in an affirming, supportive way.
  • Accept and love your child as they are. They will need your support and validation to develop into healthy teens and adults.
  • Stand up for your child when he or she is mistreated.
  • Be on the look out for signs of anxiety, insecurity, depression, and low self-esteem.
  • Connect your child with LGBTQ organizations, resources, communities and events. It is important for them to know they are not alone.

Online Resources For Children, Teens And Families

This list is from resources I found myself and from advocates for trans health. Any feedback on links included here is welcome — please comment!

  • National Center For Transgender Equality consider watching this video on Facebook where children, teens and families share stories about being transgender. Parents talk about fear, challenges with acceptance and discuss their safety. “The easiest way to support transgender people is to follow their lead” and “this is who I am” really do stand out.
  • Healthy Children article on transgender and gender non-conforming from American Academy of Pediatrics
  • Seattle Children’s Gender Clinic This has information on services and ways to see experts
  • Centers for Disease Control LGBTQ Resources overview information
  • The Trevor Project works to reduce severe depression and suicide in those questioning or struggling with their gender identity. They have a helpline (1-866-488-7386) and a chatline that you can connect with live.
  • My Trans Health – trans-friendly healthcare providers in Chicago, Dallas, Miami, NYC, San Francisco and Seattle
  • RAD Remedy (Referral Aggregator Database) described to me as a site, “dedicated to connecting trans, gender non-conforming, intersex, and queer folks to accurate, safe, respectful, and comprehensive care. Patients can review and rate providers on competencies and services provided.”
  • Seattle Children’s Gender Diversity Support Groups
  • Gender Diversity Family Support Groups
  • Social media: The trans community has an established presence on Instagram under certain hashtags, but has recently started cropping up more and more on Twitter with the hashtags #TransTakeover #ThisIsTrans #MomentsInTransition and #IamTransButAlso.

When Is It ADHD In A Child?

I talked with Erin Schoenfelder, PhD,a specialist in ADHD and Director of Behavioral Treatment at the PEARL Clinic (Program to Enhance Attention, Regulation & Learning) here at Seattle Children’s Hospital, about ways to recognize ADHD in children and teens. The previous post we shared included the acknowledgment that it may be harder to parent a child with ADHD and provided reasons for it along with 5 tips to help parents and families. In the podcast above, Dr. Schoenfelder helps parents, teachers, and pediatricians understand what ADHD is and identifies ways to support, diagnose, and evaluate children with whom parents and teacher hold concern. First and foremost make sure you understand how a child sleeps before doing any further work-ups! Sleep challenges can be a big mimicker of ADHD as deprivation causes inattention and distractibility.

What is ADHD?

  • Developmentally atypical symptoms of inattention and/or hyperactivity/impulsivity.
  • Developmental disorder that persists over time and years and is consistent across settings (i.e. children have challenges at school, at home, during sports activities, at a synagogue or church).

Signs, Symptoms, Red Flags

  • Problems in multiple settings completing work, getting along with others, following directions, and succeeding
  • Teacher noticing the child is standing out from others
  • Child an outlier in a group – soccer practice, birthday parties, home
  • Risky behavior, getting injured due to impulsivity
  • Falling behind in learning due to off-task behavior

Read full post »

3 Reasons And 5 Tips For Parenting A Child With ADHD

Turns out that in clinical practice I’ve learned that it’s okay to acknowledge that some children are simply harder to parent than others. From what I can tell it’s really true. Often those parents struggling with children with behavioral challenges blame themselves more than is necessary. Sometimes rationale for why it’s harder helps.

There are all sorts of reasons for increased challenge. Chronic or challenging underlying illness, mental health struggles, and/or behavior challenges are a few of the reasons that some parents have a much harder job. I talked with Erin Schoenfelder, Ph.D. a specialist in ADHD and Director of Behavioral Treatment at the PEARL Clinic (Program to Enhance Attention, Regulation & Learning) here at Seattle Children’s Hospital about how parents often NEED a different parenting strategy if their child has ADHD. She outlines it beautifully in the podcast. These 3 reasons and these 5 strategies Dr. Schoenfelder shares can help families support children with the unique challenges that come along with ADHD.

Why do children with ADHD need different parenting strategies?

Normal good parenting strategies (sticker charts, send to room, natural consequences) don’t seem to work for kids with ADHD. Parents need additional strategies. When children with ADHD fail to thrive in typical structures for reinforcement, it doesn’t mean parents are failing. Parenting a child with ADHD can at times be harder than parenting a child without attention challenges.

1. Children may lack internal “self regulation”

  • Kids not regulating their own engines to stay on track. So children with ADHD may be very susceptible to external environments, including distractions, inconsistencies.
  • Therefore, behavior is inconsistent. Kids aren’t able to do what they know how to do.

2. Limited window on time for discipline

  • “Now” versus “Not Now.” Make sure you provide immediate feedback for children with ADHD. If you wait, it may lose relevance or even be lost in the memory bank.
  • Children with ADHD may have a tendency to have their window get “flooded” easily, and they cannot shift forward to predict what will happen next, or backwards to recall what has/hasn’t worked in the past.
  • Children don’t connect behavior and consequence the same way as children without ADHD.

3. Children with ADHD may have different processing of rewards

  • Dopamine is processed differently in the brain of children with ADHD. Therefore when they get the chemical kick of reward, they may experience it differently.
  • Everyday things feel less rewarding and interesting than they are for other kids.
  • Other things (screens) may feel SUPER rewarding…

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How To Dose OTC Medicines In Babies

kyotcs_feverinfographic_weightageAbout 4 million sweet babies are born in the U.S. every year. And since September & October are two of the most popular months in the year for the birth of babies I’m taking a moment to share a couple of reminders for new families and those of you who support them.

1. Nursing Moms & Over The Counter (OTC) Medications: Every new parent feels a sense of overwhelm and exhaustion after welcoming a new baby. It can be especially exhausting when moms are breastfeeding and carry the new concerns about what they’re eating, how they’re both supporting themselves and their baby’s milk and when moms and dads have concerns about passing OTC medications (or Rx ones) through mom’s milk. Here are a few guidelines and reminders:

  • Don’t take aspirin if you’re breastfeeding.
  • It’s always best to avoid extra strength formulas of any medication, as they stay in the blood stream longer.
  • Always ask your doctor if you are worried or have questions about a medicine or supplement you’re taking if you’re breastfeeding. Always makes sense to ask.
  • Read the Drug Facts label as this will sometimes help you understand risks.
  • I like LactMed as a resource/search tool to help find information on medications. LactMed is updated monthly and is a database of over 1,000 drugs and other chemicals to which breastfeeding mothers may be exposed. It includes information on the levels of such substances in breast milk and infant blood, and the possible adverse effects on the nursing infant. All data are derived from the scientific literature and fully referenced.

2. When Your New Baby Gets A Cold Or Fever: Your baby’s first bout with a cold or fever can leave you feeling scared (and exhausted) as you watch your baby deal with the inconvenience of mucus and snot, coughs and/or sneezes. Infants are more susceptible to infections because they don’t have fully developed immune systems hence why we all work hard to avoid exposures for them early in life. But upper respiratory infections (“colds”) do happen even with the best of protections.

Oral cough and cold medicines (including cough suppressants, cough expectorants and multi-symptom cold medicines) are not safe for infants and young children under the age of 4 or 6 years of age.

However, if your baby has a fever and is OVER the age of 3 months, you can give them acetaminophen to help relieve symptoms. The label on OTC medicines for infants and children only includes dosing for children age 2 and older; so talk to your doctor for dosing for younger children.

Always dose medicine by your infant’s weight, not their age, so at every well child check-up as your baby grows, ask your pediatrician to provide the proper, current dose for OTC medicines.

You can also give your child ibuprofen for mild infections, fever, or teething. Dosing for children 6 months and older is on the label; talk to a doctor for dosing for younger children although it is not typically recommended. Here’s more on dosing acetaminophen and ibuprofen by weight in infants and toddlers.

There are also several non-medicine interventions for colds. If your infant or toddler is too young to be given OTC medications or you’d prefer not to use them, there are other options to help relieve symptoms and keep your baby sleeping and comfortable. Read full post »

Playing Multiple Sports Is Better For Most Children

New data out (that I happen to LOVE) seems to go against many parental instincts, including a few of my own. I think plenty of parents have been led to believe in the last few decades that specialization and mastery in a single sport early in life is GOOD for their children. Some of that instinct rises from our guts in the mis-appointed “10,000 hours rule.” The idea that once our children do something for 10,000 hours they will be an expert. The 10,000 hour rule (brought to masses in part via Malcolm Gladwell) suggests that with dedication and time (10,000 hours) a person will develop mastery over a sport or skill. A recent American Academy of Pediatrics clinical report states, “it has often been misquoted that to succeed, an athlete needs to have 10,000 hours of practice/competition over 10 years. The media have incorrectly extrapolated Ericsson and co-workers’ studies of chess players to a formula for sports success. Many examples exist of successful athletes who have <10,000 hours and others who have not succeeded despite having >10,000 hours of practice/competition.”

Children in sports have changed over the last 40 years.

There is increased pressure to participate at a high level, to specialize in 1 sport early, and to play year-round, often on multiple teams. This increased emphasis on sports specialization has led to an increase in overuse injuries, overtraining, and burnout. ~Dr. Joel S. Brenner

And it’s just not true that grunt hours in a single sport will make champions of all of our children. Worse — focusing early and often on one single sport may lead to overuse injuries, burnout, isolation, and a less likely shot at succeeding at and loving sports for a lifetime.


I think in the time of the tech boom we can also be led astray by the “Zuckerberg effect”  — the idea that we can only really change the world by focusing on a single thing and becoming a global master in doing so.

Reality is, those children who specialize in a single sport early are at higher risk for overuse injuries, burnout, quitting sports altogether and even isolation and loneliness. Successful, even elite athletes, are more likely to develop when our children don’t specialize in a single sport until late puberty, around age 15 or 16 years.  Read full post »

For The Sake Of Privacy: Just Some Of The 20 Questions

img_9254This year, for the first time, I did the annual 20 questions (see below) with the boys at the start of school and realized that I couldn’t share all of the responses here. Just too personal, just too vulnerable, just too real. Sharing all of the answers they entrusted with me would somehow expose them. At some point, every “mommy blogger” censors and protects her children and I, of course, have been doing that since day one. But with these, even somewhat impersonal questions, I felt the exposure and raw responses more than ever. No way that I want to exhume vulnerability that the boys don’t need the world to hold…

Some moms cross over into the abyss of online oversharing with their children’s lives (I hope I won’t but life is clearly a work in progress). This mom wrote recently about over-sharing as a blogger and how it was her own father who stepped in to “Lion Grandpa” (I’m using that as a verb) for his grandson saying “enough is enough” when the mom discussed signs of his first pubertal change online. She pivoted and retreated from her raw content online and has decided to stop writing about rearing her children. Each year I write less and less about the boys and as time has unfolded I’ve taken to asking them before sharing.

There are about 200 bajillion blog posts about the challenges of “sharenting” online and blogging about children and/or the industry of moms who leverage their parenting experience in their work. No question that when it comes to sharing publicly, everybody has their own unique fingerprint of what lines exist and what lines we won’t cross. The decade (+) of blogging has clearly connected us; stories that detail intimate narratives about life and love and passion and failure and intent really do sew us together while being alive. This may be especially true in the isolation and rigors, doubts and overwhelm, and abundant joy that comes while raising children.

So to these 20 questions — the blog post has historically, around here, been a hoot for the boys. They do LOVE to be interviewed. We’ve used the interview as a benchmark into the annual unfurling of time. We have enjoyed the pool of reflection it’s given as the boys navigate concrete responses and loyalties of colors and airplanes to the progression in dreaming about the future. No question it’s fun to think about the 2012 responses and how they compare to today’s — I mean, these little boys really are growing up. Here’s the 2013 (includes 2012 responses) & the 2015 posts.

These boys are still just as sweet and innocent when they respond to the questions (developed when they were in preschool) but their reflections seem to swell now past the margins of the question and into the souls of who they are working to become. Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky me. May you, too, have a series of questions you ask each year that you write down. Next year I’m editing them and adjusting for age and we’ll see just what renders into shareable — who knows! Until then, enjoy the silliness…

Most Of The 20 Questions At The Start Of School

Read full post »

Reducing Back To School Stress In 12 Minutes

I find the back-to-school time period to be a little bit stressful (hellowwww, understatement) and perhaps even anxiety inducing. Even good transitions rack up stress. As we brace for the holiday weekend and expect the onslaught of school in earnest while September unfolds, I suggest we can decrease the stress with a bit of info. Here’s my 12-minute podcast to support you as you send your kids back to school and set them up for an awesome start. We’re all hoping for a healthy, safe fall. Take a listen…it won’t take long and you may find yourself a little more relaxed and ready for the chaos. Immunizations, sleep, anxiety and tips for transitions!

Tips For Getting Sleep Schedules Ready For School:

  • Timing: Shift slowly and get started now. If bedtime has migrated to 10pm, for example, and you’re hoping to have your kids sleeping by 8pm for school, start now. Move bedtime forward about 30 minutes every 3 to 4 days.
  • Screens (this isn’t new, I know): Screens, using them and exposing ourselves to the light they emit, impairs our natural sleep hormone melatonin from rising and helping our brain drift off to sleep. Have all screens, tablets, phones, and laptops transition back to sleeping in the kitchen (not at the bedside). In minimum, turn off screens at least 1 hour before desired bedtime!
  • Sleep As Health: getting sufficient sleep contributes to improved attention, safer driving, less health risks, and a more steady mood. We’re nicer when we sleep! It also contributes to how we think on life and even how we remember events; when we don’t sleep we tend to remember things in more somber light. Getting enough sleep supports a healthier life and I would suggest an even happier one. Quick reminder: school-aged children need 9 to 11 hours of sleep and teens need 8 1/2 to 9 1/2 hours. Really!


6 Ways To Help An Anxious Child

No question it’s tough to keep our cool when our children are unraveling. It’s especially a challenge when our children are rattled and over-run with anxiety. I partner with parents on a weekly basis who feel their children are anxious. All of us want support in knowing just what TO DO in helping our children thrive while also not letting them suffer.

I partnered with Dr. Kathy Melman on the podcast to review tips and strategies for parenting when children are anxious or when our children suffer from anxiety. Dr. Melman is wonderfully steady and clear in knowing what we can do when we find ourselves amid a sea of anxiety. Dr. Melman explains how to improve the environment for our children, what we can do for ourselves as parents to protect our children, and how to help our children not only cope but thrive in the face of anxiety, disruption, fear, and challenge. Listen in and read her 6 tips below. Number four is a BIGGIE…

6 ways to Help Your Anxious Child:

  1. Modeling Matters: If a parent struggles with anxiety—get evidence based cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) treatment with an adult anxiety specialist. Caring for your own anxiety will limit how your child models undesired behaviors.
  2. Intervene early and effectively! If your child shows signs of anxiety that is causing distress and/or interfering with functioning, seek CBT treatment with a child anxiety specialist. Don’t wait years for help because untreated anxiety can lead to problems including possible school refusal, lack of friends and opportunities to develop social skills, limited development of independence, healthy sleep patterns, lack of involvement in activities outside of the home, substance use and depression as one’s life shrinks with loneliness, low self esteem (“I can’t handle this”) and lack of building mastery. Anxious children often don’t get the help they need and when they do, they have often already suffered for years, other problems have developed, and they often don’t get the most effective, evidence based behavioral treatment.
  3. Acceptance and Empathy: Accept if your child is “wired together” to have more anxiety and be empathic, rather than invalidating, of their experience. Taking the moment to accept their feelings (even when they seem outlandish!) will allow you to both acknowledge and then support your child more effectively.
  4. Don’t Permit Avoidance: It is really hard to see your child suffer and parents often, meaning well, allow their child to escape and avoid anxiety provoking situations. As a parent, it is important to learn to tolerate this distress, remain calm and know that permitting escape and avoidance and providing excessive reassurance only strengthens anxiety, reinforces your child’s thoughts that the world is a scary place and the belief that they aren’t capable of coping effectively. This is an important dance parents often do with their anxious children and it is critical to change this pattern.
  5. Reward Brave Behavior: Instead of paying attention to anxious behavior, reward use of anxiety management skills (recognizing when anxious, which situations trigger anxiety, what happens in your body, what are your thoughts, calming your body, challenging unrealistic, catastrophic thinking with checking the facts to develop more realistic thinking along with coping and calming thoughts, and approach feared situations in a gradual, manageable, step by step fashion). We are asking our children to do what terrifies them so provide them with empathy, support, skills and coaching so they overcome anxiety by facing their fears and learning that they can, in fact, do this, nothing terrible will happen, and they can live a full life that is not limited by anxiety. Rewarding use of skills and facing fears (known as exposure) helps your child do what is challenging. Exposure is the most important ingredient in effective treatment of anxiety.
  6. Be Involved in your Child’s CBT Anxiety Treatment: Parental involvement is critical for many reasons including learning about anxiety disorders and their treatment, learning which parenting strategies increase and which decrease child anxiety, learning to coach your child in use of anxiety management skills in challenging moments, not permitting the dance of avoidance, modeling use of skills and brave behavior, learning to tolerate when your child is experiencing distress and responding with empathy and approach, providing many opportunities for exposures and rewarding brave behavior. Parents can also use their understanding of anxiety disorders and their effective treatment to communicate important information with schools, coaches, grandparents and other involved caregivers and settings.

Do You Have An Anxious Child?

No question, hands down, I get more requests from friends, family, and acquaintances for help finding support and and advice parenting anxious children than any other pediatric issue in the school years. So it’s my sincere DELIGHT to introduce and partner with Dr. Kathy Melman on my podcast. Dr Melman runs the outpatient psychiatry and behavioral health clinic and has decades of experience advising families and supporting anxious children. She helps translate the facts around what causes anxiety, how to discern anxious behavior from clinical anxiety, and helps parents understand just what we know and what we don’t. Her tips and advice below!

Where Does Anxiety Come From?

1. Anxiety is a normal emotion and a natural part of life. Fear exists in all of us and there are typical fears that are seen at different developmental stages such as Stranger Anxiety (clinging and crying) at 7-9 months of age. This happens as the child goes through developmental changes such as the stronger ability to differentiate familiar faces from those that are unfamiliar. Anxiety is a normal and important emotion that is adaptive and protective. For example, anxiety helps us stay away from dangerous situations such as leaving or not entering a building when we see smoke or fire or smell something burning. Imagine living at a time or in a place without grocery stores or restaurants for securing food, without homes with locking windows and doors. Imagine that we instead have to venture out to hunt and gather food with concern about dangerous animals or people lurking behind a bush. In this situation, concern about safety is warranted and being vigilant, scanning the environment to pick up on danger cues would help someone survive. The rush of adrenaline that occurs when highly anxious is called the “fight or flight” response and it helps someone escape or avoid dangerous situations.

2. Environmental Stress: Anxiety increases in more stressful situations. This can includes fear of safety, homelessness, instability with frequent moves or other important life changes, loss or death of caregivers or other important people, war, hearing or seeing disturbing news, economic difficulties, abuse, sexual assault, bullying at school, high pressure, expectations and demands in school, home and/or activities. Even in healthy, safe environments, all children experience some anxiety. For example, occasional or short lived worries occur when a child is faced with an especially stressful or new, unfamiliar situation. These are real issues with all that is going on in the world right now.

3. Environmental Learning: Dr. Melman reminds, “Children Learn What Children Live.” Modeling matters. Listen to what Dr. Melman shares in the podcast about overprotection and the risks of being over-involved.

4. Avoidance. Anxiety is maintained and strengthened by avoidance. Through avoidance, you don’t get to see that your worst fears will not happen and that you can, in fact, do it! Let’s look at an example of a child invited for a sleepover at a friend’s house. Perhaps this child is not experienced with sleeping away from home and struggles with sleeping in his own room and bed at home. The idea of a sleepover sounds fun and then reality hits as the time to go to sleep approaches. The child becomes panicked, maybe with physical symptoms such as heart racing and pounding and stomach aches. He has thoughts that he won’t be able to fall asleep or that something bad will happen like a robber breaking in, and calls his parents to pick him up which they do. The child starts to feel relieved and no longer anxious as soon as they learn that they can escape this feared situation by going home. The child’s fear and desire to escape and avoid is strengthened because of the strong relief is experienced when rescued and by the fact that parents agreed that there was a need to come home rather than an ability to cope, ride out this wave of distress, stay the night and see that nothing bad happened and that he could, in fact, be courageous!

5. Expecting Bad Things to Happen: Anxious thinking also plays a role in where anxiety comes from.

6. Genes: Anxiety Disorders runs in families. What can we do if our child has a genetic loading for anxiety disorders? While we can’t change genes, we can aim to reduce stress in our lives and change our own modeling and reactions. We can learn to understand and accept our child’s temperament/wiring and empathize with our child’s feelings while also teaching our children how to think more realistically about the world, to expect less danger in situations, and encourage our child to approach in a gradual and consistent manner the situations that he or she fears. We can give our children skills to cope more effectively with challenging situations.

Doing Something New

FullSizeRender (7)Over the weekend I took a trapeze lesson. Like a real one — one where in a matter of minutes an instructor quickly details how to get the safety harness on, how to jump up to the bar, throw your legs over, arch your back and fly through the air. The goal is to learn (rapidly) how to accustom yourself not only to the environment and to the sport but to let go of the bar, fly through the air, and catch a partner’s arms who is simultaneously swinging on another trapeze. All this WAY up in the air.

Within a few moments of some ground instruction we were escalating into the air up a ladder some I don’t know, 20 to 30 to 40 feet in the air. You lose perspective of distance the faster your heart beats. The instructions came quickly, the rapid-fired commands kept thinking to a minimum while also maintaining transitions with necessary momentum. For the first time in a long time I was really doing something I’d never done before. I’d never met these instructors, I’d never been to this place, and I’d not swung upside down by my knees since middle school. At the same time that I was asking my mind to override a great fear of heights I was demanding that my body acquire a new set of muscle memories and choreography. It was oddly taxing. Because of that, I suppose, it was also wildly rewarding when I was successful. There truly was a moment when I thought I may not climb the ladder.

We ask our children to do this constantly. I mean…..constantly. We drag them to new places, we meet new people, we ask them to rapidly acquire new coordinations, new social situations, new goals. And all the while we expect them to do so without much anxiety, without much complaining, without much of a margin for TERROR. This is childhood, this constantly newness, and I would like to say today I think we’re out of touch.

Exhibit A: Over the very same weekend where I trapeze-d through the air I piled my boys into the car Saturday morning after I mentioned we’d drive to a new place, meet with a new man who would instruct them in a music lesson both on a known instrument and a on a new one. I didn’t think it would be such a challenge. But when I heard the instructor quickly explaining what it meant to transpose from the key of C to G and my the neurons in my own mind went into a pretzel I wondered just why the little dudes weren’t curling up on the floor saying, “there’s no way I can learn this so fast.”

Sunday we did things we’d done before.

But then WHAMMMO, on Monday morning, less than 48 hours after Exhibit A, we drove to another place my boys had never been, we walked into a room full of complete strangers (we truly didn’t know a soul), and I left my two boys to this group within about 10 minutes. This was just a summer camp they’d never tried before: Exhibit B. But if we zoom out to a fair perspective it was also a foreign country of experience a vast ocean away (new camp, new people, new place, new skill requirement).

I walked to the car, tears welling up in my eyes, after seeing the look on my 7 year-old’s face as I left the room. It perhaps perfectly captured his reality. It was something like this:

I’m terrified, Mom, to stay here and do this but I believe you that it will be fun and I believe I am capable and I believe over-riding the terror I feel will lend itself to something good. I know I will reap the colorful reward of accomplishment, connection, new friends, and fun. But I’m scared and I am asking a lot of myself every single time I do this

And the trapeze reminded me. We ask our sweet babies to learn and reach and stretch and grow and start things new constantly. Think of a new school year. This post just a reminder, after a quick lesson at 30 feet, we have to remember the herculean tasks we expect and the patience we can have for nurturing tremendous grit but also the compassion we must also embody as we acknowledge the enormity of the challenge in doing something new.