Parenting

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Mindfulness With Children And Teens

Cultivating mindfulness is clearly a concept all of us want to improve while parenting. Good news is there are ways to incorporate strategies that are mindful in every day activities; being mindful might be easier than it seems and it’s less “way out there” and voo-doo than it seems at first glance, as well. The practice of mindfulness isn’t just for the kale-eating-uber-natural-super-zen families — this, in fact, is for us all.

Mindfulness: paying attention in this moment, non-judgmentally.

Honing focus and taking in the luxuries of raising children is a daily treasure. But living mindfully, intentionally, and without judgment — right in the present moment — is a simple concept and yet hard to practice every day. Luckily, I had Dr. Hilary Mead, a child clinical psychologist in Outpatient Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine at Seattle Children’s Hospital talk through what we know about mindfulness in pediatrics and in children, how we use it specifically to boost mental health, and when it can be implemented easily into our everyday lives. She’s a pro at supporting children and teens, and their parents, in incorporating mindful practices into life.

There isn’t really failing at mindfulness — Dr. Hilary Mead

This podcast is really good. Really….I suggest you listen to Dr. Mead….I just loved what she taught me and how she guides mindfulness.

What Is Being Mindful?

  • Being in the moment you’re in, aware, accepting and non-judgmental of yourself and relationships. So even if you’re in a moment you don’t like, you stay in the moment with your mind and thoughts.
  • Being mindful can be observing when you’re having a thought that’s moving you away from the present and re-directing your thinking back to what you’re doing, who you are with, what you’re working on – Dr. Mead describes these as “anchors to the present moment.” We expect your mind to move about — you’re not failing when you do. Being aware of what’s happening is key.
  • Being mindful can also be a freedom to express in a non-judgmental manner both positive and negative experiences and emotion. Mindfulness isn’t oppressing one idea for another but it’s also not critical, per se. It’s continually accepting. Think of it this way: if you’re thinking on a hard day filled with sadness you can feel akin to, “being sad is awful” — and this is a judgement. However, reframing this into presence and into a mindful practice you can move to, “I don’t like feeling sad” can help acknowledge where you are. Dr. Mead coaches that just doing more of this is being mindful.

Mindfulness For Children And Teen Health:

  • Learning mindfulness techniques can enhance the tools children and teens have to cope with pain-related conditions or emotional, behavioral or mental conditions. This includes depression, panic disorders or trauma. Children can be trained by psychologists on using mindfulness to boost mood and improve coping. And gain a sense of control over their experiences with mental challenges.
  • Teaching children and teens to observe their feelings and thoughts to try and help them slow down their feelings by observing their urges and thinking about them instead of immediately acting on them.

In preparing for this podcast, I reviewed the 2016 American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) report on mindfulness and fell in love with the idea that:

Children are very capable of engaging in self-care skills such as mind-body therapies, and there are many mind-body skills that kids and adolescents can learn and apply throughout life.

4 Quick Ideas For Mindfulness In Everyday Life:

  • Formal Practice: The most popular/known are meditation and yoga. There’s also mindful eating (paying attention to what you’re eating when you’re eating it), mindful walking, mindfully playing with your child, even paying attention to your feet while waiting in line at grocery store. Plenty of apps and classes to join to help with this and I’d love if you’d share your recommendations in the comments.
  • Meditation: Consider trying the app Zen Friend or Headspace and thinking on introducing meditation to your children. Length of time and frequency of meditating can vary for different people and different practices. But, pediatricians typically recommend:
    • Preschool children: A few minutes per day.
    • School-age children: 3-10 minutes twice a day.
    • Teens and adults: 5-45 minutes per day or more based on preference.
  • Label emotions you and your children and teen feel – research shows that being aware of how you’re feeling and acknowledging it, ideally without judgment, (like saying “I’m feeling sad”) helps in acceptance of the emotion and moving past it.
  • Don’t judge your judgments. Start with that. Ohhhhh, how hard it is to avoid this!

I highly recommend taking some time to fully participate in listening to the podcast and practicing mindfulness with us. Then share it with your children and teens. Even if your mind wanders (mine did and DOES), Dr. Mead says it’s ok and that “wandering is a part of it. Mindfulness is knowing it happened.” There’s no failing when it comes to being mindful. How refreshing is that?

Dr. Mead Is Coming Back For More! We asked her to come back and record more on mindfulness and guided practices. Stay tuned (and follow the Seattle Mama Doc podcast so you don’t miss it) as there will be more from Dr. Mead in May! We’re planning a 5-day quick mindfulness series I’ll share here on the blog and in the podcast.

If you work at Seattle Children’s or live in Seattle, we’ll be highlighting some of the resources on mindfulness and behavioral health (I’ll be there!) at the Seattle Children’s Mental Wellness Fair:

  • When: Thursday, May 4 from 11:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m.
  • Where: Seattle Children’s Hospital – 4800 Sand Point Way NE in the Ocean Cafeteria (Level 7)
  • What: FREE event bringing the community together to tackle the stigma of mental health and learn about the importance of mental wellness. More information.

Mindfulness Resources

Getting Out Of Town With Children: Anchors of Happiness

Spring has sprung (hurrah!) and summertime is oddly just a couple of months off. A co-worker reminded me this week that school is out in 2 months. What?

As the rituals of summer near I’m reminded of the power and value in creating memories that break the mold of routine. Trips, time away, adventure, and creating a sense that the world is truly as big as it is. This starts and gains value right from home at the kitchen counter…

Recently, I’ve seen a series of online parenting articles about how family vacations throughout childhood are “anchors of happiness.” That they make and enhance a child’s life. At first glance it seems like pressure. It’s just been Spring Break, or is this week for you, and the pressures of watching families on Facebook fly off to Aruba are real… But I think there is something more essential to talk about here. Not the need or want to plan a luxury vacation, but the pristine opportunity to think on and prioritize exploration with our children. Clearly children notice and in my heart I know it’s meaningful.

The simple exercise of moving around our city or county or state or country or continent to different places with our children, during breaks from school and work, is magic. From planning a trip with your children to taking an actual vacation, there are a lot of data driven benefits – enjoyment (joy!), memory-making, cultural exposure and simple protected time away from school and work together to reflect on what matters.

In one article I read about family-vacationing, I saw this:

  • Only 25% of kids say they talk to their parents about something of great importance to them in a weeks time

Ohhhhhh, no! I decided to vet the above data with my 10 year-old. Puffed up with great pride that just in the last week I’d brought up the temperature of space, talked about the implications of a recent political scandal, worked on his school project together and generally been a stimulating conversation partner and “master mom” I said, “do you think we talk about things of great importance every week?” He paused and said, “No, I don’t think so.”

OH, no. Gotta get out of Dodge… Read full post »

I Like The Film Alike, A lot

Many of us struggle knowing which pitch or tenor to take in balancing the responsibilities, rigors and rule-following of regular school and work-life with the need to extend boundaries to live with our children in poetic, artful ways. How and when to comply, and how and when and why we sometimes don’t want to. It’s ultimately tricky and nuanced, yet the opportunity to live in color is just so profound.

Life is precious and unpredictable.

Thing is, sometimes we just miss the moment with our children. Sometimes we really are too demanding, too rigid, perhaps too purposeful. At least I know I am and can be. When I realize I’ve been blunted or on-task in ways that separate me from my children’s mindfulness or creativity or I’ve stunted my children in any way, it can feel a tiny bit like despair. Like a big, juicy #momfail.

I must say, I like Alike, a lot. This sweet film embodies the pulse of the challenge in living mindfully and playfully with children and the immensity of its import in daily life. There is a moment in this film that feels as tremendous as the love we feel for our children in real life. I cried witnessing it.

Everyone is born creative. Creativity can be especially fluid and accessible during childhood (some experts and parents and teachers and artists, of course, worry we work creativity “out” of children as they grow with our schooling structure and rigidity). Thankfully, children often get to live days that make space for the creative process and the exploration and silliness so wonderful in being alive that we stop making space for as we “grow up.”

Although this beautiful short film doesn’t offer any answers it moved me immensely.

I’ve been reflecting on mistakes I’ve made (ohhhhhhh, parenting is so tough!) but it also brewed a sense of optimism in me. I saw a glimpse of the big huge opportunity illuminated in each new day that unfolds. Enjoy, enjoy!

 

New Data On Preventing The Flu And Whooping Cough

Many of us have probably experienced influenza (the flu) at some point. Sometimes we really know it, sometimes we don’t. Previous data has even found that in a typical influenza season (winter) as many as 10-40% of all children get exposed or actually get influenza in a given year.

Sometimes the infection from influenza is mild (“just a cold”) but sometimes it’s a horrific long-lasting-high-fever-achy-pneumonia-hospital-causing infection. Sometimes it’s worse. Hard to predict why we all don’t experience the same virus the same way each time we’re exposed.

Those under age 5 and those over 65 years of age are at highest risk from influenza. The reason: young children have an unexposed, immature immune system that doesn’t work as well fighting against influenza as a 12 year-old where as the elderly have a tired immune system that just doesn’t work as well as it did during young adulthood. Each year children die from the flu that could have been prevented. The flu vaccine isn’t perfect in protection, and this year it’s got about a 50% chance of totally protecting you — far better than 0% when you don’t get it at all!

New data out proves that flu vaccine helps prevent death in children. News any mom or parent or pediatrician wants to hear and share.

For infants and elders, the flu can be deadly. For new babies, pertussis (whooping cough) can be, too. The good news is that these illnesses are vaccine-preventable. This post is just a reminder of the power of vaccines to prevent pain and suffering and new data that continues to support our use of whooping cough shots during pregnancy for moms and babies and flu vaccines for children every year.

Two studies from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) highlight just this by establishing vaccine effectiveness for reducing death and serious infection. Take these as reminders of why we vaccinate our children and ourselves! Read full post »

5 Things That Confirm You’re A Master Parent

After I published my book Mama Doc Medicine, I toyed around with the idea of writing tiny little books inspired by a favorite short story publication, One Story. Literally I was thinking that the way to consume ideas about parenthood was not in book form but in pamphlet-sized publications on parenthood, vaccines, & general tips for feeling awesome while raising children. I haven’t entirely tanked the idea (please weigh in if you think you’d read them!) but it’s not at the top of my to-do list. That being said, I realized after publishing years of blogs and a whole book of stories about my boys and science and parenting and the general overwhelm we all feel, that I could have perhaps just published 5 tips in 5 pamphlets! Sure would have saved time…

Thing is, in my opinion, if you do these 5 things, you’re wildly decreasing the likelihood of death for your child and pretty much preforming at the top 99%, parenthood-wise. All the rest is gravy. As a mom and pediatrician, I think if you do these things well you should feel like a ROCK STAR. The rest of what we all read about is a smattering of parenting “style” advice. There will continue to be books on grit and food selection and poop and sleep forever. And reading up on new ideas and new data can be great ways to bolster our confidence. But really, I’m saying, do these 5 things out of love and with ongoing daily respect for who your child is as an individual, and I think you’ll be a master.

This is the cousin to my recent “5 Things To Stop Worrying About” blog. In my mind, there are 5 non-negotiable pediatric parenting must-dos. If you can make these things a top priority, you’re pretty much nailing it. Congrats. Check this off on your life list as an awesome new start to spring. Listen to the podcast, please but little notes about it are below, too. Love up your children and love up yourself for doing all of this so well!

Read full post »

International Women’s Day: Boys, Listen Up

Happy International Women’s Day!

I’m squarely in mid-life, 42 years old, a mom to two, no longer a “young” doctor or young entrepreneur or young voice. Perhaps because of that, I’m starting to see things differently when it comes to raising boys and girls to support equality.

I’m a feminist. I think that means I don’t want gender/sex to get in the way of any individual. I was raised with a mom and dad who didn’t present a world of possibilities different for me than the one they presented for my brother. At least not that I could see. I’ve been mentored, supported, encouraged, and nurtured as a woman in the workplace, and a mother in my community, by female mentors like my mom and my advisor in college (a professor of psychology who studies gender), current and past colleagues, advisors, employers and co-workers, and dear friends. But more than ever before I’m feeling the profound support I’ve had from men in my life to be an active, striving-for-equal opportunity physician and advocate. In some ways it’s easier for me because I have the fortune to work as a physician in pediatrics, a field of physicians with a majority of women. In fact, 3/4 of the pediatric resident physicians in the US are women. It’s complicated though, so if interest consider reading, “The Good and Bad Statistics On Women In Medicine.”

However, now more than ever,

I’m starting to feel it isn’t my voice that will make things better for equal rights at large as time unfolds, it’s the voice of my boys.

Obviously this isn’t only about women supporting women. My strongest and perhaps most loyal advisors during my medical school education and during my residency training were both men who have helped me see and also helped me strategically carve out ways to get work done while also having children. I’d describe my residency mentor as one of the biggest feminists I’ve ever known. His feminism and support for me persist in my work and life. Exhibit A: I posted a photo in my pink hat on the day of the Women’s March in January and he was the first to comment saying, “I’m with you, Wendy.” He’s 40 years my senior and carries with him an elegant view of different ways to contribute to pediatric health care and also enjoy raising children of my own. Circa 2005, I vividly remember him drawing out, on a napkin, the different kind of career trajectories one could have in pediatrics and public health, describing them in terms of typical gender norms and roles and stating that I could do this — this career and life — any way that fit with my ethos, energy, passion, and tempo. I could adapt a “male” trajectory or a historically “female” one but that all models could work for all people.

Boys and men in my life do show me also how much they include me. Of course, I’ve felt discrimination, too. But this post isn’t about that. It’s about the BIG opportunity of NOW. Read full post »

Perhaps The Most Marvelous Time To Be A Parent

This week I awoke to realize this may be a marvelous time to be a parent. I mean this time, the one where political divisions run rampant, where protests and rallies have become the norm, where known science is questioned, and where we seem to be facing threats to our inequalities and our justice head on.

My boys have their eyes wide open.

Early Thursday morning I flew home from a speaking event in Oregon. I was a little bit exhausted and only had about 15 minutes to swing through my house prior to heading to the hospital for some meetings and an afternoon of podcasting. When I walked into the kitchen I found a little tube waiting for me on the kitchen counter. Our poster had arrived! Thrill coursed through me as I uncurled it and ran to the front yard.

It’s the sign you see here now gracing our front yard. It’s the sign I picked out with my boys a couple weeks ago online after a friend shared the one she’d put up. It’s the one the boys and I selected because of the poetry we felt it held, but also the power that lifted from it. In this house we have no interest in hiding how we feel. The boys have watched the pink hats get knit, the signs being painted, and the work to continue to protect our neighbors, friends, immigrants, and family of the United States that we hold so dear.

And so it was not just the platter of ideas that embody respect, liberty, and truths on this little sign that I got excited about it. It’s my boys own insight that unfolded Thursday — without me — that has me sharing here. Their pledge to the world, too.

Read full post »

5 Things To Stop Worrying About

It’s a hard time to be a human in the United States. We’re all so worried right now as the universe seems to spin every day and the divisions among us seem to project on every wall. Yesterday I escaped the city, the news cycle, and dread by sledding with my boys in the mountains. Those outdoor be-without-a-ceiling interludes help, but the reality is Sunday morning just arrived and the newspaper is sitting on the front porch. To open it?

The hesitancy to even open the newspaper brings me to an essential truth: most of us are doing a wonderful job raising our children and what is in front of us is precious and safe. Most of us have inner critics that knock us down every day and criticize how we’re doing. But most of us can stop worrying about things so much at home. We really can and should chill out and enjoy this.

Looking to shorten your to-do list, maybe sleep better and reduce anxiety? I’ve shared 5 things I think we as parents can STOP worrying about in the latest podcast. It’s just me talking in this one (no experts join) and even so, I like this podcast. In a world where were are inundated with competition, guilt, data, and comparisons, take these ideas and feel better about the (likely) most wonderful job you’re doing raising your children.

Also, you should know I’m recording, “5 Things To Perfect As A Parent” this week as I feel we all need reminders of how much we have already mastered. We have to frame-shift and realize how great things really are while raising children amid these spins and unease. Read full post »

If You Worry Your Child Is Depressed

Depression is far more common in teens than in young children, but I often hear families wondering how to know if they should worry about their child’s mood. As many as 1 in 5 teens can have a depressed episode so concerns about depression are a common challenge. Many of us wonder if young kids get depressed (yes, but not too often), what are the signs (detailed below), and what to do about it (6 tips below). It’s scary for every parent who thinks a child is depressed. It can be terrifying to worry about a teen. There is a certain innocence we reserve for childhood and no question for some, depression can seem antithetic to that. Depression can be very real, influenced by life events, inherited, and wildly disruptive. But there is great research to help guide what we do to support children, teens, and our families if depression becomes a challenge.

I talked with clinical psychologist and depression expert at Seattle Children’s Hospital, Dr. Gretchen Gudmundsen on this 20-minute podcast. I learned a lot as we covered the definitions of depression, which children are at risk for depression, classic depression symptoms, and when parents should seek help for their depressed child.

You can listen to the podcast right here on the blog, or you can listen while you’re commuting on your phone by going to iTunes (search “Seattle Mama Doc”) or Google Play or on Soundcloud. A quick summary of high-level points below:

What Is Depression In Children and Teens:

Read full post »

That Could Have Been Me: When An 8 Year-Old Knows She Belongs

harry-potterDuring carpool recently I witnessed an 8-year-old realize her relevance and her sense of belonging even more than before. What a total profundity. It happened by accident and this involves J.K. Rowling…

It’s my belief that getting a child to understand their import is a hope housed in almost every parent, teacher, auntie, or grandfather. When those of us, even peripherally involved in a child’s life, witness a child discovering their capacity, import, potential, and connectedness the moment can be immense. I don’t think I’m overstating this.

Everyone wants to feel they are capable. Everyone wants to feel they belong. We learn and see and feel our connection in infinite ways.

You’ve probably read a lot about parenting your children more with a focus on “grit” than with a focus on accomplishment. I think most of us can all agree that perseverance and a steadiness in keeping a “can-do” attitude is far more important for survival and for joy in life than any accomplishment we’ll ever have. In fact it’s in our failure that we perhaps find ourselves feeling more connected and less alone.

The best moments we have with our children are therefore neither about grit nor honing success — they are typically about presence. Being aware of the sincere vitality in being alive together and a part of when our children grow, delight, see, or be seen is a thunderous thing. The moments when it happens are hard to contain in our heart, no matter how big it is.

Working to cultivate grit is certainly a meme in the perfect-parenthood swirl of advice this decade. Working to extend yourself so you fail is something all of us want to do when we think about tapping into our true potential as workers, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and community members. But it’s hard to push to fail and sometimes, as odd as it sounds, it’s hard to fail well.

Sometimes failure happens because we’ve stretched ourselves too far. Sometimes, of course, it is the external factors that bring failure. Most of the time it’s a combination of the two. Sometimes we learn about failure through our own experiences as we stumble and then heal our own scars.

Connectedness, togetherness, and the capacity to contribute to things greater than ourselves will always be foundational for humans. Every day should be about building more and more of this entanglement with each other, with those that we love, as best we can.

So back to that day carpooling. On the way to school, my car full of delightful school children, we got talking about about the Harry Potter series and specifically J.K. Rowling. I mentioned that I remembered hearing she’d submitted her book, “about 7 times before a publisher had accepted it” and now she’s the author that has sold books faster than any other human on earth. When I realized I wasn’t certain about my facts, I did something I DON’T typically do. I asked my 10 year-old to grab my cellphone (!!) and look up the real story of J.K. Rowling and her attempts to publish her first Harry Potter book.

He used wiki, then he used a search engine and landed on a version of the story. At this point we’d parked at school and so an 8 year-old now was leaning over his shoulder helping interpret what he was reading online. Curiosity was abloom.  The children found this explanation: Read full post »