Lots of people ask me how my boys get along. I never know quite how to answer. They are pals most of the time, they play and invent and create games and fun together. But they also fight. I suppose I expect it as a mother but I admit that even as a pediatrician, ex school teacher, and younger sister in life, I sometimes don’t know exactly when to intervene and when to leave them alone to resolve disputes unassisted.
Our society seems to have more tolerance for sibling bullying than peer bullying whether in the schools or at the playground or at home. Traditionally we’re taught to expect sibling rivalries and often chalk it up as an expected or normal part of childhood. “Boys will be boys,” we say.
Some experts are urging us to think again.
Sibling violence is often minimized yet new research shows this violence and bullying can have lasting and serious mental health effects.
Parents and others often minimize the frequency and severity of aggressive behavior among siblings
Typically, I’m a stickler for a no-fighting-no-warzone type home. I hate the noise that comes with fighting and I hate the tension. When things escalate I tend to banish the boys to their rooms individually to help them cool off and make apologies and amends. Sometimes I let them sort it out themselves of course, as it can work wonders to plant myself squarely on the sideline. It’s luck of the draw though on how I respond from day to day–I have no clear system on when and why I intervene. I’ve been imperfect, too –in fact one tug-o-war between the boys with a bath towel landed my older son in the ER for stitches. I wasn’t even thinking about his mental health…
New research published today offers up some compelling data for we parents unsure how and when to respond or intervene when our children fight. We may need to get more involved. Researchers found that bullying at home from siblings can have lasting effects on mental health. And by the way, it isn’t always the oldest who bullies. Read full post »